21 September 2004

what is love?

don't ask me why i pick this topic, but it is just what it feels at the moment.

so, can anyone tell me what is love? most of us will say love is undescribable, love just comes and goes, love is everything and so on...but besides all those sweet things you have in mind, to me love hurts most.

have you ever had this feeling that you want to hold someone but you don't get to? what about when you see the one you love getting close with another, do you feel the jealousy? or maybe he didn't pay attention to you? well, those are just some examples that i personally felt before.

liking and loving someone is two different things. liking could be more of admiration but loving is when you can't live without that person. well, that is how i felt. but unfortunately, nothing could be done.

imagine having to like this particular person at the beginning. and when years comes by, you realise that your 'like' had changed into another word called 'love'. at times you'll be wondering what is he doing, how is he doing, how is his studies, who is he with and so on. believe it or not, you might not notice it but that is what the mind says.

as we all know, time can tell. and this is what the time told you. the time told you that you love that person. you feel like shouting it out to the world and let him know. but you don't know did it once before but nothing happened and you dare not do it again. you fear the rejection, you fear the shame, you fear being excluded, you practically fear everything. thus because of all this fear, you do not take action. but deep inside you know that as long that he is happy then you are happy.

anytime when you feel down or happy, he is the first person you'd like to acknowledge. you want him to be the first to know. secrets from small to big are only between the both of you. he listens with much care and you feel great as you know someone cares for you. but then, he acts the same to everyone. to him, you are just another's hard to believe, but you have to accept it.

everytime when he's around, you feel that you are cared for and save in his arms. to you nothing can tear you both apart. you recall the times you had together. the glances that you stole in classes, the hugs that you manage to give, the kisses that you manage to peck on his cheek. you feel satisfied for being able to do so. but does he knows how you feel? you took so much courage to do so, you thicken your face to do so. but the end product is that you feel happy for being able to do so.

but what do you get in return? you hope to receive the same, but no you did not. you feel as if your heart is torn into two but you keep on telling yourself that he needs time. come on!! wake up!! how long does he need anymore?? you are no longer is almost 8 years by now and still nothing?? you are nothing but just a loser. you shut youself not wanting to know how hurt you are. you are a born actress thus he did not notice it. but how long more can you continue?

see, now you know why love hurts to me compared to you people out there who thinks love is heaven? maybe my chance to experience what you have now isn't here yet. i'll just have to wait patiently for my time to come. with one condition that i'm able to live until that day comes......

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