09 September 2004

my thoughts

i have been thinking a lot lately as you can see from all my previous entries here which sounded really depressed. even my msn nick says that i'm in a state of depression. come to think of it, i think i am the stupid one over here.why must i be thinking so much? what do i get in return? why haven't i thought of this earlier?

i am just thinking a lot of the past, present and even future. if only i could change the past, just this particular tiny weenie thing and i'll be a whole different person today. trust me. i would have not trust everyone just like that. i trust people to be sincere to me but i got betrayed in return. it hurt me so much that nothing could be done anymore.

the present would be the effect from my past obviously. i am behaving this way because of something that happened. i can't be mentioning around and telling around cos i don't want to. i want to forget it for good but it is just so hard. after much effort of putting it aside, the next thing i know that it will be popping up again. and the cycle continues and repeats itself. at one point, i even have the idea to end my life for good. run in front of an oncoming car or even better a lorry or something big, jump down from a tall building, or even cutting myself. i can't believe i am actually thinking of all these when i always tell people not to. i'm a hypocrite ain't i? life just isn't the same anymore at this point. everything is different. everything just changed. i always asked myself why does this have to happen on me, why is it? i am only a person who people take for granted. they only come to me when they have problems or they need a favour or else, i won't even hear a thing from them. i tried not to be like that. i tried to start bit by bit in contacting old friends by starting to msging them, mailing them, miss calling them and stuff. but i got nothing in return. i don't expect much actually but just a miss call would actually let me know that you still remember me or something.

as for the future, it is another obvious effect from the past as well.. it effected me so much. i have been thinking of all the what ifs i could think of and all the answers to my what ifs are all am i going to live my life? that is why i have the thought of ending my life and in that way i would have to go through my future. it would just end at present and no further. but it is impossible right? i can't be ending my life for that idiot who betrayed me and ruined my entire life but instead i would have to torment his life and let him end his life himself. what more, i want to let the guy i love to know that i love him. i once told him before but nothing happened. maybe because he thought i was playing around. but this time i'm really serious about it. the question is how and what do i do? i'm already in shame for expressing myself to him before and i do not want it to happen again. how do i make him realise?

somebody tell me what to do? i don't want everything to come crumbling down just because of guys cos my life is not only evolving around them. it is just that the pain hurts a lot.the scar stays. though i forgive [ which is practically impossible] it is very hard for me to forget. i do not want to be hurt again. i had enough.and i mean enough.

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